Mission Impossible

Lately I have an itch.

An itch to get the hell out of Dodge.

Both Ken and I have come to the realization that we have our own version of the 7 year itch. Except we are not itching to get away from each other. We are just itching to get away! Yes, we feel it is time to find a new location where we can settle and grow our family. A place a little farther away from all the hustle and bustle. A place with a few more trees and few less illegally parked cars. A place just a tad less congested, where my neighbors actually feel like neighbors and not roommates. Not that I don't love the sound of screeching car alarms and domestic brawls when I am trying to get my infant to sleep, I mean who wouldn't find that soothing? But seriously, as I get older, and now that I am a mother, I think I have outgrown the concrete jungle that is my current location and am ready for a little more open space. Give me land!

So we are looking. We are looking at, dare I say it, Towns! Nice communities with some action, but mostly grass and trees. Far enough away that people have to call to come visit, but not so far that no one ever will. Towns with friendly people, good schools, and a good community. Bigger houses, bigger yards, and smaller populations!

Sounds perfectly simple doesn't it? Well every dream has a price, and this one don't come cheap! All of those wonderful aforementioned criteria come at a cost. And seeing that we live in Massachusetts, a ridiculous, blow-you-out-of-the-water, kind of cost. I love New England, and I would never leave. But for the love of God, our housing market is high! Even in this recession! Lately, I obsessively watch that HGTV show House Hunters. It is somewhat depressing - houses across the country are HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS LESS than in Massachusetts. Three and four bedroom houses in the 150-250K range. Here, anything decent doesn't go below 350K! It's insanity. But it's the price we pay to be from a great Blue state, and you know what, to me it's worth it!

So what do you do? You tighten the purse strings. You sit down, you be an adult, and you financially plan. And we have. We've set up IRAs and Money Markets, and Savings Accounts and diligently put decent sums of money into them every month. And they are accruing. But not fast enough for me! Have you meant me? I am the woman that wants everything yesterday. When I have a goal, I lock onto it (some would say obsessively, I say passionately) and attack it from every possible angle.

So in addition to just saving, I thought it would be smart to also try and cut some of our expenses. Simple right? I figured it would be easiest to target the "expendable" household bills. Um, have you ever tried to do this? No matter who I called, these companies came up with some hitch or excuse, danced around the issue, and in the end left me utterly confused and saving nothing. They are definitely not in the business of helping you reduce costs. Don't believe me? Let me me enlighten you. I will now share a portion from my Cost Cutting Saga.

Act 1: The Cable Bill.
The curtain rises. Cue the theme song from Mission Impossible. A woman, Alyson, sits at her desk, phone in hand. She dials. After navigating her way through seven automated sub-menus, she hits "0" in frustration.

Representative: Good afternoon, my name is Sieisha. Thank you for calling [Name withheld] how can I help you today?
Alyson: Hello, my name is Alyson Dell Isola, my account number is xxx-xxxxx. I'm calling to try and see if there are any options for service where I can lower my monthly bill. It is a little high for my liking lately and I didn't know if there was anything we could do.
Rep: Mmm hmm, thank you for calling today Miss Doleesola. Can I have the account number you are calling about.
Alyson: (slightly annoyed) Uh, yah. Its xxx-xxxxx.
Rep: Mmkay, thank you. I have pulled up your account information here. It says you are currently paid in full and you are on the Super Savings Bundle!
Alyson: Right, but that is just it. I don't feel like I am getting any super savings. My bill is over two hundred dollars a month.
Rep: Yes Miss Dillosala, but for that price you are getting your blazingly fast high speed internet, your crystal clear voice landline, and 1 gajillion television stations!
Alyson: I understand but are there any other options for packages? I want to keep my phone and internet, so maybe is there something with less cable stations?
Rep: Well, there is the "Ghetto Bundle" but you will lose all movie stations, major cable networks, and you would have to pay extra for your cable boxes. Honestly Miss Delosilla, with what you have now, you get so much for the money, reducing your package would actually be like paying more!
Alyson: (frustrated) Oh, uh, I guess so, well I don't want to do that. And I also don't want to loose too much.
Rep: Yes, so you see your bundle really is the best option. (With false excitement) And because we appreciate your business I will give you 2 months reduced rate on your current package, bringing you down around $30 a month!
Alyson: Oh well that's great...
Rep: Of course after those promotional months, your bill will actually be $50 more than where you originally started.....
Alyson: Wait, what?
Rep: (interrupting) BUT did I tell you about the new amazing DVR features we offer with this package. You can record shows that aren't even in production yet! And now you can watch movies on your phone, your computer, your tablet, your toilet, and your microwave!
Alyson: (increasingly confused) Um, I am not sure I need all that.
Rep: But it is included Miss Doliola!! You would be throwing money away!
Alyson: (totally dizzy) Um, ok.
Rep: (speaking in hyper-speed) Great. So I am going to go ahead and enroll you in this new package and then transfer you over to billing. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Alyson: (baffled) Uh, I don't know. I don't think so.....
Rep: Mmkay, then you have a great day. Thank you for calling [Name Withheld]. CLICK.......

Ok - so that is not exactly how the conversation went. But that is definitely how it felt! In the end I really ended up saving nothing. Instead I just wasted time! Those people are good. They talk and talk and confuse the crap out of you until you just end up agreeing. The CIA should train their agents with whatever methods these vendors are using.

Cut to this situation two more times with the cell phone company and gym membership. Yeah, three strikes, I'm out. I guess I will have to find other creative ways to save some more money.

So when do you think I should tell Ken I signed him up to sell his blood?